儘管說了  卻解決不了問題

那  幹嘛還要浪費力氣呢

2016，2月24

赤水車站，阿蘇，北九州

And 'sorry' doesn't cost a single cent. That's why everyone uses it. It's easy. It's what we've been taught. It's just a form of manners. It's meaningless.

I switched to flight mode. Because I tried too hard responding to everything that happened. I was afraid. Still, I am. I off the lights. I was…My brain cells all connected acetylcholine has been used up and regenerated and used up and regenerated again… My heart racing. Racing with my mind.

I don’t know if being conscious and reasonable 95% of the time makes me a more lovable person. I have never taken care of my own feelings on top of others’. I think I got it from my dad.

Just feel like..

I owe myself a huge apology. And i don't know how.

There's thunder in our hearts.

HTHT

Disclaimer: All the paragraphs in this post are so unrelated to each other.

Recently I had a few HTHT (Heart-to-heart talk) sessions with my fellow medic mates. With a few shots down our GI tract, we were all able to throw out some little secrets about ourselves. We laughed at one’s stupidest fear. Then we tried to give advice to one another. I cried, but for once, I finally thought that it’s okay to break down in front of people. Because the moment I spilled my beans out, these girls rushed over from another bed just to hug me so tightly.

I am sorry that I made the whole session awkward. Complete silence (well, not really. The room was filled with my sobs) for 5 minutes. I am sorry. I know you guys didn’t know how to react to that. And I am sorry, for keeping everything to myself since forever and not letting you guys in to my world.

That day C asked me, “Hey, compare your 2015 with your 2014, which one is better?”

“2015.”

(After I blurted out 2015, that’s when my mind started working. I flashed back everything that happened in 2015- wasn’t able to transfer overseas, break up, dramas in school etc…)

“Me too. Why?”

There’s nowhere better than where I am now. Anytime you ask me, I’ll answer you – ‘Now’ is the best time I ever had. Sure, times before tragedy happened was wonderful. You know I been through shit. You know what haunted me for more than 10 years. But without them, I would not have become who I am today. I won’t be the independent girl you’re seeing. I won’t be the girl who is only 22 but thinks like a 32. I won’t be the girl who thinks that, the only person you should trust in this world is yourself. I remember every single shit that broke me in the past. Big or small, I took them as lessons. I don’t show my emotions because I think that it’s not necessary.

Haih shit I shouldn’t be writing this kind of things. HAHAHA! Well. Christmas was 2 days ago. My Christmas present this year was the multiple HTHT sessions with them people. If I haven’t talked this out, I’d probably still be crying to my pillow 10 years later. It’s a relief to actually have people to know (if not understand) your past. Everyone must have been through some kind of rocky road. Don’t wonder how things might end later. It really, really depends on your own beliefs, what matters the most to you.

Damn, I’m so Capricorn.

Hot and fresh from the dinner table tonight. 2015-12-27

We are all broken in some ways. But we are all beautiful with our flaws. Don't try so hard covering your scar.

Here's my tagline : 

# Time passes, love heals.

20.11.2015

It's been 11 weeks since i started clinical phase in Seremban.
Some days are boring.
Some days are delightful.
Some days are gloomy.
There's at least something to impact you almost every week, if not everyday.

Might be an epic conversation with the patient.
Might be your first time getting some findings.
Might be your retarded friends, colleagues or teammates.
Might be workload.
Might be lack of sleep.
Might be a furious houseman/staff nurse/matron.
Might be an epic night out back to KL on a weeknight.
Might be the cute looking senior/doctor.
Might be expensive but low quality food.
Might be a funny and inspiring lecturer/ bedside teaching.
Might be presentation after presentation.
Might be getting praised because you made such a badass floor plan like a professional interior designer.
Might be a death.

You never know what's waiting for you in the next minute.
You never know.

Whatever it is, i always tell myself-
Conceal don't feel, don't let them know.
hahaha just kidding. that's Frozen's line.
Feeling is a bitch. It really is.
Maybe, to some extent, healthcare providers should all be robotised.